Our Time is Nigh


The deadline approaches. Our enemies have fought bravely, have rallied on the hills, have shed their blood upon the field. We must admire their effort, particularly as they have garnered absurd amounts of votes, but still we know the truth: Stupid Ugly Foreigner must vanquish all foes.

And thus we have come to the final push. Raise the banners. Sound the bugles of war. Scream from the rooftops. Set loose your fleet of carrier pigeons. Write things in sidewalk chalk. Talk loudly on subway cars. Send annoying emails to your friends and acquaintances. Eat a banana, for energy. Throw hard-boiled eggs from the top of a ferris wheel, each detailed in a fine, delicate script. Etch the words onto the face of the new pope with fuchsia crayons. Let the world hear your mewling, plaintive cry:

“Stupid Ugly Foreigner must win the Big Blog Exchange!” Feel the beating of your heart as you shout to the heavens. Your life has led up to this moment. “Or I will throw myself off a bridge!”

No? Okay, I will not ask ritualistic suicide pacts from you, dear readers. But I will ask you (for the last time, the contest ends soonishly) to spread the word one last time. Share this link. Vote like mad. Make a facebook post, or a tweet, or a reddit thread, or a strange birdsong meme that subconsciously compels people to read my blog. Have all of your moms tell all of their mom friends and get their mom network into an internet frenzy. Reconnect with old high school chums and convert them to the cult of SUF. Join the military and convince everyone in your squadron of the glory of this blog, and why it should be rewarded with free trips and things. Find your long-lost brother on a completely different continent, reconnect over your shared love of chess and mayonnaise, cry deeply over the time you’ve lost, and then vote together in an internet contest. Become a magician, climb through a portal to a new world, defeat a great evil, become the king/queen of this strange, dangerous land, establish quality wifi (maybe Narnia or Hogwarts will get Google Fiber), have all of your centaur and fairy subjects sign up for an email, and then have them vote for me. Do whatever you can.

I will continue to be your faithful chronicler of my own big dumb awesome life. Whether here, or somewhere else. And if I win, I will be stupider, uglier, and foreignier than ever in a whole new land.

March bravely, my friends, into the great wilderness of this internet.

16 thoughts on “Our Time is Nigh

  1. Friends, as I cannot afford to bribe you with actual worldly goods like other contestants, allow me to provide you with what I’ve actually got: words.

    Show me evidence of your shares, your votes, your unruly and quavering dedication to the cause. In return, I will give you fresh anecdotes (just choose a country!), fresh pictures, answers to all of your burning questions. Ask of me, and it will be given. (What I lack in money I make up for in shamelessness.)

  2. I tried! I voted with every email address I own, except the ancient Yahoo one. I can never remember that password. Now to start on my friends…

  3. At last a (properly) amusing blog. Voted but have unfortunately used up all my solicitation favours on a family member rival.

    Good luck, and let the funniest blog(er) win… (Argentina?)

  4. Haha, interesting article! Way to rally the troops!

    I just wanted to stop by and congratulate you on being a finalist in the BigBlogExchange. I wish you the best!


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