Of those few meager hits that I accumulate, I often wonder how people came to find me. Sure, there are people I personally harangued in the real world, and some who have gotten through this, the great series of tubes, via vigorous linking. But some people stumble here on the sandy shores of Stupid Ugly Foreigner purely by chance, by looking out into the great waters of the electronic world and forging forth in search of the weird, the sexy, the funny, the gruesome, and usually some gangrenous, misshapen mixture thereof. How exactly did they end up here? How happy were they that they arrived? Let us cast a look upon these wayward travelers and remark upon their glorious sojourns.
The premise: I cull from the great heaving waves of search functions that brought people here for the greatest, the whackiest, and the grossest, and I dissect these strange wayfarer’s motives. I will rate their predicted level of satisfaction from 1-10, with 1 being “utterly disappointed to the point of breaking the computer and disavowing the internet” to 10, which is “will never leave the house again for being so completely sated.” Onward, brave internet marines, onward!
Search function: “neurosis enemy of the sun”
What they were looking for: When Neurosis threatens the known universe, attacking the people of the lands and pushing them back into their beds with Freud quotations and also battle axes, only one man can stop them. And that man is the Sun.
What they found: Probably the tale of my really bad Thai sunburn.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 2. I am certainly neurotic, but my battles against the sun are few and rarely exciting, and often end in my defeat. It’s a big exploding thing in the sky. You can’t win them all.
Search function: “hangul tongue”
What they were looking for: This news story, most likely, about a Koreaboo who got her tongue altered so she could more quickly move to super awesome Kpop fantasy land.
What they found: Me talking about learning Korean.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 1. I have not got any surgeries performed on my tongue to improve my Korean yet, but then I guess I’m not that committed. I do read text books and study and talk in Korean, which I guess is an alternative method of language learning. For pussies.
Search function: “size korean apartment for teachers”
What they were looking for: The likely zoo arrangements for an aspiring language monkey, should they choose to move to Korea.
What they found: Pictures and description of what they’ll get.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 8. I certainly do provide that. But then, later, 4, as they realize they’ll probably receive something approximating my hovel, or smaller. (Also if you check out that ancient entry (all the way from 11 months in the past) you can dig how ambitious and also off the mark I was about what I was likely to write about in the coming year.)
Search function: “tianjin polytechnic university english teachers”
What they were looking for: This, one assumes.
What they found: ???
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 1. I teach English, but not at Tianjin Polytechnic University. I knew I would one day rue my choice to have no idea such a place existed.
What they were looking for: Pictures drawn by people on opiates.
What they found: My Hong Kong vacation photos.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 6. No opium, but hey, those dragons were wicked.
Search function: “there is a boy in my bed dont feel shame”
What they were looking for: Steamy tales from a young lass’ (or lad’s, whatever) breaking of social mores and stigmas and trailblazing for people who sleep with dudes everywhere. Also maybe something from the Jane Austen oeuvre.
What they found: ???
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 2. No steaminess to be had. Not even a little condensation. And the dude who is in my bed is me, though to be fair I don’t feel shame about that. But I don’t think it’s either as titillating or as empowering as this person probably wants.
Search function: “thailand bangkok boomboom and duk”
What they were looking for: “Why do people in Bangkok keep shouting ‘boom boom’ at me while gyrating their hips? Also something something ducks.”
What they found: My Thailand vacation tales.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 7. I explain thoroughly what boom boom means and why it is being yelled, and the economy related to such transactions. Although maybe a lower number if, like the Amsterdam wonderer of below, this gentle, horny soul wanted more pragmatic or fiscal advice regarding the acquisition of boom boom.
Search function: “four-way fuck asian celb”
What they were looking for: The rest of the internet, really.
What they found: At most, 3-way fuck asian celb.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 2. I write the word “fuck” a lot, so maybe. Also maybe I provide celbs, whatever those are.
Search function: “flowchart of laziness”
What they were looking for: A graphic explanation of humanity’s yearning to not have to do things. Also maybe looking for it so they didn’t have to make it themselves.
What they found: How lazy I get cleaning my apartment.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 8. It’s more of a graph, except that it’s actually nonsense, so maybe it’s not a graph at all. But it does compare my laziness with my sense of maturity and reverse to childhood incapability, so there’s some bonus in there! Shine on, you lazy, good-for-nothin’ diamond.
Search function: “버닝러브” (translation: burning rub and/or burning love)
What they were looking for: Ways to avoid such a condition? Ways to encourage such a condition? The name of a Thai sex act? Passionate Korean singles? Korean covers of the Elvis song of said name (the latter translation; the Elvis song “Burning Rub” was a b-side and never really became popular)? Some kind of spicy basting sauce recipe?
What they found: ???
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 1. I mean, I guess.
Search function: “red light district amsterdam prices”
What they were looking for: Exactly how many Euros they would be doling out to get fellatio from a Dutch woman in a big glass box.
What they found: A ball-park number.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 7. I don’t have a price list or a menu or anything, but I record the financial recollections of several people I met in Amsterdam for posterity.
Search function: “global octopus”
What they were looking for: …Cthulhu?
What they found: What happens when Koreans encounter a sturdy language barrier.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 3. There was an octopus alluded to, but precious few globes to be had.
Search function: “male teachers pissing in bathroom with school boys”
What they were looking for: I think we know, but I feel like we’ll all be better for it if none of us delves into that too deeply.
What they found: Me, trying desperately to make sure that didn’t happen.
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 0. Or at least I certainly hope so.
Search function: “stupid ugly foreigner”
What they were looking for: This blog!
What they found: This blog!
Predicted level of Satisfaction: 10. I don’t mean that in a bragging way, more I mean that they got exactly what they were looking for. That, or 10 because so specific a search means I sent them, and actually acting upon my constant blogging advances implies I’ll finally shut up and stop bugging them about it.